The Knife

Before this I could not wax poetic,
I did my best not to feel.
Barreling down the path laid out before me.
And now here we are
This fork in the road.
Dagger in your hand.
You carved the earth beneath my feet and it will never be the same again.
Mud dripping from your blade,
As my tears become sweat, and my sweat turns to blood.
Life has picked up speed, while time stands still,
Now that I am forever altered
With only you to blame.
And I am left wondering:
Would I bear it better in my body than beneath my feet?

Synapse

I am but a passing thought
If I cross your mind at all.
But if I do
I hope you feel a rush over your heart.
And as you loose me from your mind
You wince at what you may have lost.

White Noise

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Release me from this prison,

Though I'm in no cage.

Release me from these shackles,

Though I bear no chains.

Be still incessant beating,

That clanging metal ripping my thoughts apart.

I see you without sight. 

Your clash is deafening.

The iron you are sharpening is not of my design.

That weapon you've been forging can only bring calamity upon me.

Why are you what's sticking?

Why do these thoughts do your bidding?

Why are you still here at all?

Do you wish to taunt me for the joy I seek?

Or do you desire sabotage on my soul to wreak?

Either way I'm bound to you.

A slave.

Until the time comes for you to defeat or be defeated.

Interim

Ellipses are the hardest part of life.
The waiting, the in-between,
The unknown.
And yet,
There is where we find our strength.
There is where we grow.
The time where our mettle is tested, proved, and worked out.
Though the patience may feel stifling, it can set you free.
And all that time you thought was misery,
Were simply signs of new beginnings
Things you've not had yet,
And greater experiences to come...

Breathe

The rain was falling for me
Bathing the beds of the birds that scream your name
Begging me to cast off the heavy load I bear within my chest
As I wait
On baited breath for you to set me free
I feel I've lost my power
Barely breathing
Lungs aching
And as the raindrops wash over my face
I am reminded I have all the power I need
If I simply
Breathe

Shine Bright

When we are born we are like a large rough diamond that our parents and family found. Large and beautiful and worth so much it feels inestimable. They don't care that to others we still may be dull and new and in need of refining. And then we grow and we learn and live in a world that is constantly pushing against us telling us we're valued for different amounts.

Some think we are worthless, some think we would only be worth it when we are cut the way they want us to be. Some want us to have value only to them and some want to take our worth away.

But there is only one person who is qualified to cut and refine us. He is the only person who's hands are skilled enough to cut us precisely, and the only opinion on our worth that matters.

Jehovah.

He teaches us and refines us and gives us that new personality. He brings out our individual and natural talents, skills and abilities. We shine when we reflect the qualities that he values. And he gives us a place. Brilliant and shining and unique in the setting of his organization.

So why do we lose value in our own eyes? Why do we feel we don't always matter or measure up to others? Why is it hard for us to look at ourselves the way Jehovah does?

Because of the world we live in. Satan's very goal is to tell us we don't matter unless we make ourselves matter to everyone. But is that true? Do we need the validation of being worthy of the world?

No.

Going back to us being diamonds. Think of a woman's wedding ring and the diamond in it. She wears it at all time as something that is beautiful and precious to her. It reminds her of the vow she made. It holds great worth in her eyes more than it does to anyone else because it is hers. But what happens as she wears it and works with it in her everyday life. It may see dirty dish water, garden soil, ink, paint, etc. And from that the diamond will look dull and dirty and tarnished. But does that mean that the diamond is damaged or devalued?

No.

It just needs cleaned. It needs that attention from her. And she would not allow people to degrade it or devalue it just because it has been around and accompanied her on all her excursions clean or not.

That's just like us we go through so much stress and problems in this ugly world we live in. And at times we feel like we're unworthy. We've been through the dirt of this system. But Jehovah still values us. We need to be vigilant in reminding ourselves we are worthy. Jehovah has deemed us worthy no matter what our circumstances are. Think of what he paid for us. Would anyone else in the universe pay with the blood of their own firstborn?

No.

And at times we may think we are not going to survive the hardships we are under. Maybe we don't feel worthy of the things we've been given. Maybe we don't feel worthy in our relationships with others. Maybe we struggle to see where we fit in. Maybe we don't give our feelings/emotions their proper place/worth. Maybe we are accepting unacceptable treatment from others.

But we don't have to feel that way. We have to remember that diamonds are the hardest known natural material. They cannot be damaged unless it is by another diamond. We have the ability to withstand any hardship or feelings of worthlessness, because we are diamonds that have been refined and cut by Jehovah. As long as we have him we can withstand anything that comes our way. He is there by our side ready to direct, protect and clean or refresh us.

So what do we need to do. Remind ourselves of our worth. In light of the memorial season just passing and the loss of a dear friend, it's hasn't been this clear to me in a while that I am worth it. Jehovah bought me personally with the blood of His dear son, my Repurchaser, my King. He has determined my worth.

And the friends we have in the organization value us too. Our dear sister who passed had a packed kingdom hall for her funeral. Why? Because she was a brilliant diamond to the congregation. She shone brightly and deeply affected those around her and to us she was worth more than we can begin to express. Her worth was evident. Those who are in the congregation and are working towards being the best they can be as servants of Jehovah see what Jehovah sees in us, even when sometimes its hard to see our worth for ourselves...

I'm a different person compared to who I was this time last year...

All my life I've been very intuitive. It's a terrible thing to have this aching in your gut and you hope you are going to be wrong, but knowing in the end you'll be right. And then once life proves you right you are further frustrated because you still wish you could/should/would have done things differently. Well I'm tired of that frustrated feeling. I refuse to fight that intuition. I refuse to not accept my feelings, resulting in bitterness, anger and regret. I refuse to prepare for the sadness I've come to expect in my life.

This year has been quite crappy for my family and I. With many an illness or death we've had to deal with, on top of the financial pressure we are facing like everyone else. Not to mention the horrible tragedies that have increased in number and scope on the news this year. A sign of the times we are living in. And though we tried to prepare for everything as best we could. This year has been cruel to us and we have been cruel to ourselves in kind. But now that the worst of it is over we can finally try to see the good that we've been left with.

The new motto my dad has adopted is, “Someone else always has it worse.” Despite the not so cheery tone that you may or may not associate with that, it's really true. For all the big (and little) problems, trials, or complaints we face things aren't as bad as they seem. We're surrounded by blessing big (and little). Every. Single. Day.

The problem is do we look at them? Do we take the time to see/feel/experience/appreciate them? And do we let the bad things outweigh the good?

Image source: Society6

Now as imperfect people it's hard to look past the bad. It stings so sharply and feels so fresh in our easily tickled memory. But I can GUARANTEE you that for every bad memory, thought, lapse in judgement, or mistake made there are at LEAST 10 things you and I have to be thankful for. Including the lesson learned from the perceived “bad” thing we are staring down.

Because it is not terrible. It will never be something we cannot overcome. The struggle is just a sign that we are living. In fact if there is nothing working against us in our lives then we really are doing something wrong.

So despite all of the trials faced this year and bouts with pity parties, stress cooking and isolation. I am determined to not let those moments define me. Many a good thing has come out of this year.

I'm hardly an optimist, but I do believe that it is possible to become one. And going back to my intuitiveness I have a severely intense gut feeling that this year is going to be full of well-deserved and necessary change in not just my life but also in the lives of the ones I love.

My best friend would attest to the fact that every year I say that this year things will get better it has to. And things in general have not. Every. Single. Time. But there is a reason why. We have been sitting around waiting for things to get easier, better, simpler, and waiting on that delusion would keep us waiting forever. We have to make this year better. Force it's hand. Get the better of it. Be proactive. That is what makes this year different for me. That is why in my gut I feel (know) it will be.

We have never been determined to make it better before. But this time we are. We have faced the reality that things will get harder and it will be difficult and change is hard to accept but if we fight to have the happiness and success we deserve then life will have no choice but to follow suit.

So I am resolved, no, I choose, to make my life what I want it to be and to feel how I want to feel this year. And when I feel my gut is telling me something, I'm going to listen and make wise decisions, not letting fear and regrets hold me back.

This year is going to be everything I hope for. My hopes and dreams will come to fruition if not because of my determination, it will be because they are well defined and planned for. And if/when things don't turn out the way they are at first arranged I'm going to accept it and see the value in things falling apart.

2013 is going to be a year of change for better or for worse.

For some of my friends I see it as a stepping stone into a new future.

Some are on the cusp of things that verge on magical, for lack of a better term.

Some are going to stay stagnate.

But it is my goal to be an “eternal optimist” or determined dreamer and to encourage others to do the same. There is so much potential for us to be as great as we dream we can be if we just seize that dream and cement it to our future. So through all the ups and downs that 2013 may bring I am ready to face them knowing I'll come out victorious.